Well, kids, Thanksgiving is almost here, and with it comes the innate urge for all of us to bow our heads over a dead bird and thank whichever omnipotent deity that we happen to believe in at that particular moment for all the things that he has blessed us with over our many, many years of existence, as well as our many years of unpaid subservience to such a deity. And if that isn't the longest, stupidest, most incoherent sentence ever, then I may just have to run this sentence here on for as long as I possibly can - taking into account the fact that I'm typing at this very moment solely to make this sentence longer and more confusing - without alienating my humble and loyal readership, since you all are bright young lads and ladies, and as we're all well aware, you all can exercise your deductive reasoning to decipher my disjointed ramblings, and thusly craft and mold them into some sembelance of articulate, lucid thoughts, as opposed to my hallucinogenic smatterings of pie-laden banter, the remains of which - as I continue to extend this sentence in a way that only an idiot would ever even consider trying - lay here, broken and bleeding, suffering from numerous stab and badger wounds, reeling from the literary blow that is still being inflicted upon them. So in conclusion, none of you should have any clue what the topic was in the first place. Ahem.
But Thanksgiving isn't just a strictly American holiday. The Thanksgiving holiday is a worldwide celebration of how priveleged Americans are to have the luxuries that we all enjoy. People from around the world join together on Thanksgiving to celebrate the American way of life, and Capitalism at its best.On Thanksgiving day, everyone from Jaques Chirac to Good ol' Al Zawahiri himself take part in the festivities. There is no shortage of happy timesExpect Kim Jung Il to show up for the party, and don't be surprised when he shows up sauced like a plate of Chicken Parmesan. Thanksgiving is a time for everyone, American or Canadian, Ugandan or Ukranian, Pygmy or Troll, to give thanks for all of the wonderful things that we, as Americans, have taken for granted for centuries, and will continue to do so for centuries to come.
"But Kablizzy," you might bellow, "That's not all Thanksgiving is about!" To which I would respond, "You madam, are very correct. How could we forget the timeless tradition of murdering the turkey?" Ah, yes, the ritual carving of the dead bird. We, as humans, need to also give thanks for the turkeys that so willingly sacrifice their lives for the good of mankind. I mean, considering how many people enjoy the delicious flesh of the National Bird of Albania, it only seems right that we pay due homage to these majestic creatures for their bravery and unending resilience in the face of such torture.
But aside from the obvious implications of carving a bird's innards into roughshod trapezoids, and other geometric shapes, we need to also give thanks for all the wonderful things that we have been given over the past year. Hmm? What's that? What am I thankful for? Ohohohoho, well, I may just have to tell you, and tell you I shall!
My Family and Friends-
With the recent loss of my father, I am thankful this year, more than any other, for the family and friends that I do have. You've all been my support team, and you've been seeing me through everything for as long as I can remember. So, to my family and friends, I say thanks.
Pumpkin Pie-
Ah, pumpkin pie, is there anything you can't do? Anyone that knows my eating habits knows that I am a pumpkin-pie haircutted freak... er, wait, no, just pumpkin pie freak. Since the beginning of October, I have consumed around 15 pumpkin pies. Now, I'm sure that doesn't sound like a lot in a two month period, but rest assured, that's a dunkload of pumpkin pie. Speaking of which, I have some pumpkin pie to go consume.
Democrats-
Yeah, I'm thankful for liberals. Deal with it. Loathe as I am to admit it, I'm also thankful for Republicans, the filthy bast.... ahem. Anyway, I'm thankful that our two-party system works, and works for those who will it to work, except me, because willing myself to do anything never works. Speaking of not working, you guys know what doesn't work? Our two-party system. So long as Republicans can dumb their way into office, it's gonna be that way. And in the wake of Jerry Springer and Cheaters and reality televison out the ass, I sure as shit don't see our great country getting "better" any time soon.
Halls Max Menthol Oral Anesthetics-
Man, am I ever grateful for these saucy lil' things. As some of you may or may not care about, I've been sick this week. Not badly, mind you, just a sore throat and a vicegrip-entrapped nose. But the one thing that helped
Gary Sheffield-
Okay, yeah, I'm not thankful one bit for this jackass.
The Boston Red Sox-
In honor of the legendary Flynn, I feel it neccesary to pay homage to the Red Sox. I'm thankful that the Red Sox have such a humble place all up in my grip. Yeah, I don't like baseball, either. Yes, I'm fully aware that I've referenced baseball twice in this article already.
The Little Lady-
This year, I'm especially thankful for Gayathri, because, simply, I don't know what I'd do without her. Through thick and thin, good and bad, she's been there for me. More than anyone else, she's been my life, and this year, after three years of a rather turbulent time with our relationship, I feel thankful for her the most.
My Alabaster Poleaxe of Shiny Doom-
Now, I know it's been sitting down there at the bottom of the page for quite a while, and I'm sure you all are wondering how the Alabaster Poleaxe of Shiny Doom ties in to a Thanksgiving article. Well, a while ago, I decided that I needed something awesome for myself. And that something, I decided, was a poleaxe. But, times have changed, and poleaxe I will not have. However, Hand Scythe and Bone Axe I shall have. And yes, I'm well aware that said poleaxe is neither alabaster, nor shiny, nor is it even called a poleaxe, and it may or may not be "of doom", but either way, said poleaxe gave me some insight. And the insight is explained thusly:
But just thinking about purchasing said poleaxe made me realize how completely lucky I really am to have the life that I do have. I mean, there are kids in Rwanda who don't get fucking food, man. That's heavy stuff, and here I am, bitching about what a terrible life I have. Sure, my life isn't as priveleged as most Americans, and yeah, I complain ad nauseum about it, but yet, my life isn't nearly as bad as it could be. And thank [Insert Deity Here] for that!
So, as you can see, we all have many things to be thankful for. Among these things is the sheer privelege of being able to bask in my awesome glory. Eh? Why aren't you basking yet? Well, that's not a good excuse. You all need to do less monkeyslapping, and more basking. Either way, from everyone here at Kablizzy's Place, have a safe Thanksgiving, and may it be free of arson.